Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Bread Crumbs

I cannot navigate 98% of webpages.

I am not sure if I have some kind of learning disability ( my first attempt was spelled leardning dibility) from having my skull knocked repeatedly off the headboard, or if it's a vision problem, but I just spent 12 minutes looking for the button that would allow me to write a new entry. I panicked after the first 2 minutes, and forgot what I was going to originally compose. It was going to be great, something about midget fisting or fisting midgets or midgets fisting each other, I'm sure. But it's gone now. The words on the screen get blurry and the muscles in my neck tighten as if I were 45 minutes into an hour long blow job. The seconds tick by, preparing me to abandon my new writing adventure. I am almost desperate enough to read some FAQ's when alas, I find the treasure! A big blue button in the middle of the screen.

I have the observation skills of a newborn mole.

But seriously, it's overkill sometimes. There is a lot of shit on some of these pages. Flashing, and loud colors, and 562 columns and articles and archives and PayPal buttons, it makes my ears bleed. I get the same feeling when I'm on the interstate, driving 70 miles an hour, and there's billboard after billboard, and I'm jettin' along, but I'm compelled to read every word. Even though I could wreck and die in a horrible, fiery death, I still read. I just have some place I need to be and this shit is slowing me down!

Don't get me started on the porn pages! No, I don't want to see your web cam,or enlarge my penis. I like my penis just the way it is. Hard, compact, attached to a beautiful Latino, and occasionally can be found in my ass.

I assume all of these ads and banners link back to every work from home offer I have ever received. Somewhere, a sweaty, fat lady is sitting in front of her computer, eating Doritos, getting payed .02 cents a click, to eye rape me with a "simple teeth whitening solution" ad. I will give you 20 bucks a month to stop. Please.

So, I made it, despite every effort that was made to stop me. And now I'm scared to leave because, I may never make it back.

P.S. I did it again when I previewed this post. It's another window! I should not be allowed to raise my own children.

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